Locals Seek Therapy As Bypass Threatens to Erase Best Excuse for Being Late
KORORA — Panic is setting in across the Coffs Coast as the $2.2 billion Coffs Harbour Bypass nears its late-2027 completion date, threatening to destroy the region’s most reliable excuse for tardiness.
For decades, "stuck in highway traffic at the Big Banana" has been the bulletproof justification for arriving late to work, school drop-offs, and family events. With the new 14-kilometre bypass promising to shave 12 minutes off travel times and remove 12 sets of traffic lights, locals are facing an existential crisis.
"I don't know what I'm going to do," said Moonee Beach resident Greg Vance, sweating nervously. "When I roll into the office at 9:20 AM next year, I can't blame the Gatelys Road tunnel. They'll know I just slept in. My entire professional reputation is built on the inefficiency of the Pacific Highway."
“Just now a truck broke down and added 15 minutes to my commute" explained a Korora resident, who spoke to our reporter as she arrived at her place of employment “It was exactly what I needed to finish my Fran Drescher-narrated 50 Shades of Gray audiobook. I’ll be rolling up to work without finishing my stories once this new bloody road is built.” she said frustratedly, cheeks slightly flushed
In response to the growing anxiety, local psychologists have begun offering 'Accountability Transition Therapy', helping residents learn how to apologize for their own poor time management without blaming a B-double truck.