Tree-Changer Moves to Mid-North Coast for 'Slower Pace', Demands High-Speed Rail by Tuesday
MOONEE BEACH — A recent transplant to the Mid-North Coast has praised the region’s "laid-back, unhurried lifestyle" while simultaneously launching a furious Change.org petition demanding a multi-billion dollar bullet train network be completed by next week.
Marcus Simmons, 34, relocated from Sydney’s inner-west to the Coffs Coast last month to escape the relentless daily grind. However, the government IT project manager is already showing signs of severe withdrawal from instantaneous metropolitan convenience.
"It’s just so peaceful here," Simmons told The Banana Peel, aggressively refreshing a tracking app to see why his specialty coffee beans were 14 minutes late. "You really get to connect with nature. But it is absolutely unacceptable that I can’t get a decent artisan sourdough at 3:00 AM, and I’ve already CC’d the Premier about it."
Locals report that Simmons has spent his first three weeks in the region attempting to optimize the town's existing infrastructure. He recently tried to implement Agile methodologies to speed up the local barista, and has logged 47 separate council complaints regarding the "sub-optimal throughput" of the Pacific Highway.
At press time, Simmons was seen loudly explaining to a relaxed local plumber that their current project timeline was entirely unacceptable, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he moved specifically to get away from people exactly like himself.