Local 34-Year-Old Confident His Hamstrings Will Survive the First Five Minutes of Park Footy
Coffs Harbour — Despite overwhelming historical evidence to the contrary, local plasterer and perennial reserve-grade prop Dean "Deano" Thompson has publicly declared that his hamstrings are "bulletproof" ahead of the local footy season kick-off.
Thompson, who has successfully torn a lower-body muscle in Round 1 for the past four consecutive years, attributes his renewed confidence to a rigorous pre-season regime. This reportedly consisted of two light jogs in late January, and a strict diet of switching from full-strength beer to mid-strength on weeknights.
“I’m feeling explosive, mate. Really nimble,” Thompson told teammates while applying an eye-watering layer of Deep Heat to his calves in the clubhouse parking lot. “The physio told me last year that my hamstrings were essentially just decorative tension wires, but I’ve been doing some squats while waiting for the kettle to boil. I reckon I’m good for a solid 15 minutes off the bench today.”
At press time, Thompson had successfully jogged onto the field, taken his first hit-up, and was immediately seen signaling frantically to the trainer while violently clutching the back of his left leg.