The routine rental inspection is a beloved Australian tradition where a 22-year-old in a polyester suit silently judges your lifestyle choices while taking 400 photos of your ceiling fan.

To help you navigate the inevitable passive-aggressive follow-up email, The Banana Peel has compiled a definitive translation guide to property manager speak.

• What they wrote: "The oven requires further attention."
  What they mean: "I found a single, microscopic baked bean fossil from 2023. You are a biological hazard, and I have preemptively deducted $400 from your bond."
• What they wrote: "Please ensure all skirting boards are wiped down."
  What they mean: "I ran a white glove over the floorboards directly behind your heavy oak bookshelf. There was a speck of dust. You are officially in breach of your lease, and the tribunal has been notified."
• What they wrote: "The garden beds need weeding and general maintenance."
  What they mean: "A dandelion has sprouted in the front yard. If it is not immediately eradicated, the landlord will be forced to sell the property out from under you to a developer."
• What they wrote: "Thank you for presenting the property well. However, we noted some water marks on the shower screen."
  What they mean: "How dare you use the plumbing infrastructure for its intended purpose. Next time, bathe in the local creek."
• What they wrote: "The landlord is considering a standard rent review at the end of your fixed term."
  What they mean: "Your rent is going up by $150 a week to cover the rising interest rates on the landlord's third investment property. Start packing, or prepare to eat nothing but plain pasta until 2029."